Alright folks, inspired today to dust off the ole typewriter, crack my knuckles, throw back a few hot toddies, and after a good pee in the shower, write my response to this email I received on a popular internet dating site:
“Whatelse….hmmmm. I just basically a good guy that people tend to like. I’m very fortunate in that sense. My coworkers miss me when I am not there and when I return they are excited to see me.
So how come you are so funny? I worked in stand up for about 5 years. I can count on one hand the amount of women who made me laugh.
Sorry for the delayed response. I didn’t want to send you quick email without much thought.
M(%&$#”
M(%&$#,
Let me begin first by saying thank you (and stand up to give you a one woman clap, clap, clap). How does one of the most popular, most funny men in the work force squeeze any time into his day to write a girl like me such a titillating message? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read that your coworkers let you alone for one second to spend time finding true love. My eyes bugged out and I pulled my hood up over my head in sweet anticipation of what you might type next!
How are you even still single??? Your arms must be exhausted by constantly swatting us girls away from your large head. Here, let me get you a glass of tepid water.
It’s also quite refreshing to hear that the Friendship Only Squad is fiercely patrolling the city of Philadelphia and putting anyone who is mean or not nice on a duck boat and shipping them to Camden. How dare anyone not like you!
I really could not possibly have any idea where to begin in answering your question regarding my sense of humor. As always, because I have the intelligence equal to that of a snapping turtle, I consulted four random men on the street. They came to the consensus that I’m actually not funny at all, but all of them laughed in unison whenever I opened my mouth. They later confessed that they were simply trying to appear agreeable in hopes of seeing my huge rack.
It’s also quite exhilarating to hear about your unique hundred-fingered hand. How difficult it must be to walk around with an appendage of such amplitude! If you were my man (although there is no hope you’d choose a girl like me), I would give you a cocoa butter manicure every single day. Then I would help you stick your hand in a great big fist and stick it up your tight arrogant asshole.
