I know it’s seriously been ages since I’ve made a post, but one thing that will come along with this holiday season is a fresh group of scintillating stories posted here for your viewing pleasure.  Let’s start out with this sweet email I received earlier this evening.  I’ll set the stage.

I originally got an introductory email on an online dating website from a gentleman we will call “Butt Head” two days ago, on Wednesday evening.  It was a pretty generic email saying that he liked my profile and my pictures.  I didn’t respond because Butt Head looked pretty rough around the edges and like he had been in one too many fights.  Also, in his email to me committed mortal sin #42 in profile writing/emailing: he simply restated his profile in his initial email.  Helloooooo originality.  If you can’t write a simple email creatively, what in god’s name are you going to do when confronted with my muff for the 516th night in a row?  I just can’t have my muff dating a guy like that.

Ok, so the stage being set…this evening I was baking cookies over at my mom’s house.  I was wearing my new Tom’s canvas shoes in ruby slipper red, a comfortable short sleeved black sweater turtleneck, and some really comfy jeans I got from Gap a few years ago that I have since realized are so out of fashion I only wear them when I’m going to my mom’s.  We were making chocolate chip cookies, brownies, snickerdoodles, lemon bars, and peanut butter kiss cookies.  All very delicious, with a little Kenny G on the oboe playing sweet soft holiday music, presents under the tree and two ovens going at once!  My brother enters the room and we go hang out for a bit, where I decide to check my email.  Here’s what I got from Butt Head:

“hey thanks for taking time to write back or even click the no thanks button (which would take about 5 secs of your life) after I spent 10 mins to write a sincere genuine email to you, guess I wasnt hot enough in my pics for you to to be a decent human and be atleast polite, match.com where average looking woman think they are supermodels because a bunch of shirtless gelled up dbags looking for more notches on their bedpost email them, and a good man like me who has a ton too offer but who looks like average joe in his photos(photos not real life) doesnt stand a chance, gotta love it, your average at best based on your pics sweety but that didnt stop me because I am not shallow and superficial and I lvoed your profile, and I realize theres more to someone than a pic, plus considering most NORMAL people look better in person FYI getting alot of emails on a dating site doesnt make you heidi klum, when you realize that you may find the love of your life til then I am sure like most woman on match you will be on here for years since I am sure your too good for any one but a “hot” or rich man, tiger woods has a stable of models and I cant get an average looking woman like you to click no thanks lol what a world, Im sure if you knew I were a millionaire you would have responded haha….your loss trust me I would rock your world in every sense of the word, but good luck ;) “

I really have to take this opportunity to point out my favorite parts in his email…in the first few sentences, he suggests that I am somehow “impolite” yet turns himself into a complete hypocrite by writing this insult laden landfill material word buffet.  Second, I have counted 12 insults in this email, and perhaps that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I was including all of the implied insults, that in this dude’s twisted mind by not responding, I was calling him a poor, average, good for nothing, shallow, superficial, Tiger Woods wannabe.  Thirdly, I love the phrase “Tiger Woods has a stable of models.”  Well honey, if models are donkeys, what kind of animal house would you store me in for good keeping until you were ready to verbally abuse me a bit more?  Aaaaaahhhh.

And that’s when I decided to do something that is probably so immature I’ll look back on it in a few years and cringe.  But I’m sick and tired of getting these negative, physical-appearance-oriented, hate-mails.  I can’t take it when people attack others, verbally, or in any way for that matter.  So I wrote this back:

“BH,
Your email makes me so sad. I had been really looking forward to getting the opportunity to sit down for more than a few minutes to write you back because your profile made you seem so sweet, and your pics were adorable.
I didn’t have time yet to respond to your first email, which I must admit, made me smile, because my best friend in the entire world, got diagnosed with a malignant tumor of the corneal epithelium on Thursday of this week at Fox Chase Cancer Center. It was such a horrific diagnosis and I refused to leave her side. She underwent emergency surgery to remove her left eyeball this morning at 6:15 a.m. As if that weren’t enough, my mom’s good friend was killed in a sudden car accident in Baltimore and I have been supporting her as well.
The only time I had to sign on this site was to just check email as a means of distraction during this terrible ordeal. Please keep me, my mother, and my friend in your prayers. I’m sorry you were so upset by my delayed response.
Sincerely,
Saucy”