Continuing with the theme of the last two posts, about the negativity I’ve been encountering in the dating world, I would like to share with you some of my favorite first emails ever received by a few of the quality single men out there. Married and monogamous ladies, give your man an extra hug and remember that being single isn’t always lollipops and orgasms and thong underwear and free beers.
“Hi: what to no more albout you?
i will not beat you or cheat on you if you gave me a chance
hope to hear from you”
“going to iron hill with my friends tonight, if you walk in i would be nice and normal to you”
“hi how are you? would you like to correspond with me?”
“Hi, I’m J___, I was wondering if we could hook up tonight?”
“Hey there, I like your profile. So here’s a joke for you: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything:) Thought you would enjoy that 
” (for the record, I don’t get this joke, and by favorite above I meant least favorite. I really hate jokes that give me a headache).
“wow.. you are so sexy.. eyes so seductive.. lips so kissable. i would love nothing more than to talk to you.. my names jay.. how are you?”
More to come!
I know it’s seriously been ages since I’ve made a post, but one thing that will come along with this holiday season is a fresh group of scintillating stories posted here for your viewing pleasure. Let’s start out with this sweet email I received earlier this evening. I’ll set the stage.
I originally got an introductory email on an online dating website from a gentleman we will call “Butt Head” two days ago, on Wednesday evening. It was a pretty generic email saying that he liked my profile and my pictures. I didn’t respond because Butt Head looked pretty rough around the edges and like he had been in one too many fights. Also, in his email to me committed mortal sin #42 in profile writing/emailing: he simply restated his profile in his initial email. Helloooooo originality. If you can’t write a simple email creatively, what in god’s name are you going to do when confronted with my muff for the 516th night in a row? I just can’t have my muff dating a guy like that.
Ok, so the stage being set…this evening I was baking cookies over at my mom’s house. I was wearing my new Tom’s canvas shoes in ruby slipper red, a comfortable short sleeved black sweater turtleneck, and some really comfy jeans I got from Gap a few years ago that I have since realized are so out of fashion I only wear them when I’m going to my mom’s. We were making chocolate chip cookies, brownies, snickerdoodles, lemon bars, and peanut butter kiss cookies. All very delicious, with a little Kenny G on the oboe playing sweet soft holiday music, presents under the tree and two ovens going at once! My brother enters the room and we go hang out for a bit, where I decide to check my email. Here’s what I got from Butt Head:
“hey thanks for taking time to write back or even click the no thanks button (which would take about 5 secs of your life) after I spent 10 mins to write a sincere genuine email to you, guess I wasnt hot enough in my pics for you to to be a decent human and be atleast polite, match.com where average looking woman think they are supermodels because a bunch of shirtless gelled up dbags looking for more notches on their bedpost email them, and a good man like me who has a ton too offer but who looks like average joe in his photos(photos not real life) doesnt stand a chance, gotta love it, your average at best based on your pics sweety but that didnt stop me because I am not shallow and superficial and I lvoed your profile, and I realize theres more to someone than a pic, plus considering most NORMAL people look better in person FYI getting alot of emails on a dating site doesnt make you heidi klum, when you realize that you may find the love of your life til then I am sure like most woman on match you will be on here for years since I am sure your too good for any one but a “hot” or rich man, tiger woods has a stable of models and I cant get an average looking woman like you to click no thanks lol what a world, Im sure if you knew I were a millionaire you would have responded haha….your loss trust me I would rock your world in every sense of the word, but good luck 
“
I really have to take this opportunity to point out my favorite parts in his email…in the first few sentences, he suggests that I am somehow “impolite” yet turns himself into a complete hypocrite by writing this insult laden landfill material word buffet. Second, I have counted 12 insults in this email, and perhaps that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I was including all of the implied insults, that in this dude’s twisted mind by not responding, I was calling him a poor, average, good for nothing, shallow, superficial, Tiger Woods wannabe. Thirdly, I love the phrase “Tiger Woods has a stable of models.” Well honey, if models are donkeys, what kind of animal house would you store me in for good keeping until you were ready to verbally abuse me a bit more? Aaaaaahhhh.
And that’s when I decided to do something that is probably so immature I’ll look back on it in a few years and cringe. But I’m sick and tired of getting these negative, physical-appearance-oriented, hate-mails. I can’t take it when people attack others, verbally, or in any way for that matter. So I wrote this back:
“BH,
Your email makes me so sad. I had been really looking forward to getting the opportunity to sit down for more than a few minutes to write you back because your profile made you seem so sweet, and your pics were adorable.
I didn’t have time yet to respond to your first email, which I must admit, made me smile, because my best friend in the entire world, got diagnosed with a malignant tumor of the corneal epithelium on Thursday of this week at Fox Chase Cancer Center. It was such a horrific diagnosis and I refused to leave her side. She underwent emergency surgery to remove her left eyeball this morning at 6:15 a.m. As if that weren’t enough, my mom’s good friend was killed in a sudden car accident in Baltimore and I have been supporting her as well.
The only time I had to sign on this site was to just check email as a means of distraction during this terrible ordeal. Please keep me, my mother, and my friend in your prayers. I’m sorry you were so upset by my delayed response.
Sincerely,
Saucy”
